That spot means nothing to your Dad but to Whitney and I visit there once a year. We always see a butterfly somewhere near just like we see one up at the cemetery near you and your tree. (The cemetery staff have finally convinced me I can't keep putting a hat in the tree limbs praying it will grow into it. They've trimmed the trees too high for me to reach. BUT KaCe is getting big and one day he'll climb up there. We'll get a brown hat, maybe camo, and hide it there.) Sure the road has been fixed with real shoulders and a gentle slope but we recognize that spot. A irreversible, mandatory turn in the road. A life changing experience.
Tonight so many people will celebrate their life changing experience. We think of the grandpa that will turn 63 still alive with your beating heart as he bounces his gbabes and attend little league games. And the now 32 year old African student with one of your kidneys. Is he still playing soccer? As friend Sharon begins to think about dialysis I rejoice that the 55 year old woman has gone 3287 days with no dialysis after spending 3700+/- days doing dialysis. You surely didn't need any of those parts again and that was the ONE way (at the time) I thought I could actually handle the outcome of that fiasco. I truly haven't regretted that decision. Burying you in long sleeves and your topless hat wasn't even a blip on the "oh no" radar.
Moving on. So many folks abuse this saying and twist it to make themselves comfortable with quips like "You need to move on". They are uncomfortable being around the new you. These folks have NO clue to what moving on means. They just don't want to deal with your change and they just don't know what "to do with you". Remember Penny my singing buddy? Well her dad and mom died within 2 months of one another and Penny just couldn't seem to deal with it. Jean, Joan and I wanted her to "move on".....Lord how stupid we were. Penny was overwhelmed with her loss. She was buried under paperwork. She still had to be a mother and wife and breathe every day. Her plate was full. 10+ years later as she knelt at my feet at the church "dinner" she asked me to forgive her for her neglect of us...........no need I told her...........I finally get it!! I have no idea how we'll move on; but we will. If folks around us don't like it they can go away.
Does moving on mean you can't ever be happy again??? I used to think so. Actually until January 12, 2008 I thought I was as happy as I'd ever be again. A quiet peaceful happy. I didn't even bother to "stand up on the inside" any longer. That year brought me full circle and I didn't even realize it was happening; but your Dad did. As we settled in New Mexico I suddenly became a morning person - can you believe it? :) Dad does his best pain free sleeping from 1-2 to 9:00+ in the morning so I had every morning alone - to begin to like me again. By spring I was venturing out to the clubhouse working on jigsaw puzzles with Sharon. Late one March morning she remarked that "Ken feels that he has the woman he married back. That you are becoming happy again." Uhhhhh I don't............uhhhhhh Well.........hmmmmmm Obviously I had to think about that. But he's right. I felt like "me" again; yet a different me.
We actually love our life. We began traveling years before we planned; we downsized which is not ALL bad and our wants and needs are finally in perspective. (I really hate the "p" word Son.) We love our time in New Mexico. What great people we have found in the traveling world. These folks get it. Take what you want/need in life and leave the rest lay there. We also love coming back to the Gizoo of Gillette. You would be proud of your nephews and neices. Your namesake KaCe is so like Erick. Walks, thinks and moves like him. Ethan is Mike to the 9th degree! You really might have to gather a huge butterfly flutter to watch over him. He, like you, seems to migrate to hospital ER rooms.
Yes, we've moved on but we'll never forget. You will always be my belly bumping 13 years old spark of light. You never grow old.
Moving On
Does not mean that we forget you.Does not mean that we won't feel the pain of losing you
Does not mean that we believe life is fair
Moving On
Means that we experience a lessening of the painMeans that we treasure the best memories of you (ALL actually)
Means that we accept our loss and forgive others
Means that we understand that both joy and loss are part of the life cycle
Means that we believe that God is good, even when life isn't.
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| From Sunbathing................ |
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| to Football |
4 comments:
I love you & Ken and all those in EB within our circle of friends. It is truly a special group. A moment of silence for all those we have loved and lost. Yes, they are with us forever! I'll cry with you two whenever you need it!
Tears are shed as we mourn your loss with you; losing our loved ones is never easy and esp. one so young with life ahead of him.
We are "happy" to be a part of your lives and the "new you" - miss you both and look forward to our winter again at EB!! Luv U......Linda/Newell
Very well said! I can't believe it's been 9 years already. It seems like yesterday but also decades ago. Sometimes when his memory comes riding his bike through my head, I imagine the trouble he could have helped my boys get into or get them out of because he had been there and done that! It's hard to see him as the grown man that he would be because to me he will always be that ornery little shit!! Deric is his spitting image and reminds me more and more of him the older he gets. It's painful to think that one day, Deric will be older than KC was and I will no longer be able to see him in Deric. Deric doesn't remember the butterflies now and that's seems so sad to me, but Lord knows, the rest of us will never forget! I love and miss you, K!!
What beautiful memories, and how tragic that life as you knew it ended as it did. Bless all of you who knew and loved him. Take comfort from those who love you, there are a lot of us out here! Our arms are around you.
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