I never know where my thoughts will go when I start. Often I have to save a draft as Im suddenly on another topic.......so I change directions. I just need to get these feelings out..Hoefully to lay them to rest. but the fingers go where the fingers go........
MY Grief Journey was/is like walking thru a mine field.....every second of every day......nor is it easy to learn the forms the blindsiding moments come in. Any and all forms on no particular time frame! Then sometimes, out of sheer terror you often may freeze for a time or sometimes for years! No 2 grief journeys’ are alike; no one size fits all.
Ken really didn’t get that concept but I did and have finally worked through the why’s and how comes’ of the last 4 years, I just couldn’t stop searching(ok obsessing) for how I could have become a victim of verbal and emotional Abuse. The idea was absurd! This was me! On top of that Ken wasn’t the typical narcissist. The majority of them have been that way since from childhood. …………Carmen, Bert and family weren’t that way. Finally the realization hit that it was the falls and concussions. The things he said were just off the wall so many times. I just couldn’t believe what came out of his mouth. Things that just couldn’t/wouldn’t happen. At the end the last 7-8 months he became fixated on one person at a time and repeatedly, over and over raged at me what he would tell them. Over and over each one until finally even Kevin, the one that could do no wrong fell and Ken began telling me what he’d set him straight about.
The negativity into my brain was almost nonstop the last 2 months. My quiet time wasn't peaceful. I usually was up by 5 a.m. and on a good day he wasn't up until 8:30-9:00. i NEVER KNEW who would wake through the door Ken or Grandpa Davenport. What his brain had obsessed over during the night. After a particularly nasty encounter with coaches, Admin and police at KW on April 18th, 2023; I doubled down on the isolation of us 2. During that time we had lunch with wonderful NM friends: each time I lived in extreme trepidation of an all out blowup-Ken managed to keep it together until the car drove away before he started the vitriol (cruel and bitter criticism) began. Both times it lasted until bedtime; repeated attempts to change the subject was met with bitter criticism of me and (if you're not for me you're against me). ELEVEN MONTHS AGO I couldn't think about this without "hair on fire hysterical crying for hours on end. Yes, I'm getting perspective
Ken suffered for 22 years with pain; both mental and physical. Finally he is at peace. And finally I am at peace also. Our son was done with his earthly body; his work on earth was done. Ken’s time here is also over. I’m still here and am recovering myself. My brain is different. I don’t process like I did; it possibly won’t ever return to what WAS normal for me. I’m learning to just walk away when those feelings come and they certainly are weird.
My Gillette visit in June was so healing. Although I had a bad sinus infection that laid me low Visits with special friends and an awesome one with my mentor Dan helped wash the ugly away and gave me a different perspective about the past 4 years.
Many of our friends are not aging any better than Ken and myself; and there are many reasons for negative personality problems, all of which are not centered around the brain. Normal aging, whatever that is, changes us. Everyday life molds us around curves and hills and valleys that we then have to navigate. My Lord is and has been keeping me safe. "Be still and KNOW I am God (Psalms 46:10) revolves in my brain on a constant loop. Finally I am acknowledging how badly
I know my brain has been changed. Finally I am able to acknowledge the severe abuse I was subjected to. Which in turn shows me how slowly and insidiously I went from normal to not being able to function which happened at 1:08 a.m. August 17, 2023. I woke up thinking I could just put him out of his misery, I knew what the meds we had on hand could do......which was followed by "No way! Get your ass out of here" Now! I was too calm as I readied for my departure from life......(Good grief I had NO concept of HOW.........) Sitting in my rocking chair trying to corral my spiraling thoughts, drinking coffee like it was a typical day, piling up the electronics, leaving the money and also the car keys.
It is surreal remembering standing at the door at 3:00 a.m. knowing I could be walking to .......I didn't know but nothing nothing could be any worse than the here and now. I just wanted to get away and slowly leave everything.....everyone. Looking back I wasn't thinking My only thought was walk away and keep walking.....Incapable of much thought except keep walking, walking, walking. Numb, incapable of anything but moving....getting away, keep walking get away....
And that's where the shame, humiliation, embarrassment, disbelief, and finally rage, anger come to play. I really can see how near suicide and successful suicide happen. I was in a vacuum of some sort.........it's like there was no before..................and no after.. Totally wierd.
Now it's 11 months later......Yes, indeed God was there, with me....Remembering is pretty scary......I could have/would have done almost anything to be gone.....away........no future thoughts or hindsight.....nothing................a w a y...................
14 days inpatient. No responsibility. 4 days.in... Shame. Embarrassment. Humiliation. Desperation. 6 days in...What now? Where now? Why? 8 days in...NOW you think of your daughter. NOW you have a thought for your grandkids? Shame. Embarrassment humiliation.... You and well and truly broken..........12 days in a chance to heal properly....finally...maybe t;ll be ok but it's not going to be all right hair on fire every day?? can't possibly...
And finally..........Yes I agree to go to Whiney and Travis' to live and recover
at 74 I'm homeless, literally have just the clothes on my back, no money, no transportation, no desire for anything but the peace and quiet of no drama........14 days........
The mainspring of my life was totally shattered.....Sometimes it wound fat and othere tmes the windig was slow. But for 74 years it had gotten tighter and tighter util there was no give let.
KABOOM!!
Sept 1, 2023
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