This introspection is for me to hopefully finally get this stuff out of MY brain.  I've  spent 10 months  trying to come to terms with the last 4 years of mental abuse and PTSDC which ultimately culminated with Ken's death in April.  His death certificate lists: Severe post-ictal Encephalopathy status Epilepticus  and several other direct causes of death.

I've done my best the last 3 years to ignore June 10.

  Actually we both did.  We both pretended it just didn't happen. Our calendar went from June 1 to July 2.  We did acknowledge July 4th. Living in NM was horrid during Covid and for 2.5+ YEARS after!!!  In retrospect everything from Jan 31 of 2020 our life slowly disintegrated into discontent and strife. Ken fell in 2013 getting a concussion that took 8+ months to heal from. Dr Santiago said he just couldn't fall again and I didn't say Doc what COULD happen?  4 words that maybe would have made a difference but...probably not. That was in 2013 and the falling just kept happening (2014, 2015, 2020)….I have pictures of black eyes and marks on his forehead...….the frontal lob where the personality is...…and he slowly changed from a compassionate, loving, caring man into a Narcissistic Asshole to put it bluntly.  His brain was changing and neither of us knew what was happening. Our loved ones tried to help but that just made him more enraged and angry.  By August of 2023 he hated everyone...….even me, the gas pump at Sam's Club and last even Son-in-law Kevin. 

  Ken lived a rough and rowdy life; leaving no room for "coddling" as he and his Mom/Dad would say as they interpreted his life with Epilepsy.  He just wouldn't allow himself to get any type of concession for his epilepsy from age 9 when he was diagnosed to age 77.  However, he did know but couldn't figure out.  I know he fell off both of his family's houses from time to time.  These pictures are of the worst head traumas he had beginning in 2002.  There was also a fall in 2004 which I didn't get a photo of.

And then Covid struck and a couple weeks before the official shutting down of the world he fell - hard. The slide of our lives began to slowly disintegrate; speeding up faster and faster.  During that time he was dealt another blow-detached retina Oct '21 followed by it redetaching Dec 31.  The 2nd time his vision didn't really return. And just. like. that. his wood playing days were over as was pretty much everything else.  On top of that his brain was beginning to rebel. He became more and more bitter about....all things.  He would sit and rage in his chair about one thing or another.  Before the final detachment if he made a mistake in his wood process he just couldn't figure a way to correct it and several times he just made projects worse.  Our deck was becoming a safety issue and he got really ragey about me being afraid.....unreasonably so.  I tried to keep my head down, went and played cards and yes drank too much wine all the desperate to know how to "fix" our life.......i.e. my job. We'd spent our entire married life a good team to tackle any problem......that gift was slowly dying.  He started saying and doing the most bizarre things.  And his impatience with everyone, thing, it.  He sat in his rocker with his eyes closed much of everyday "resting".  He mentioned a couple of times his brain was weird and I didn't catch the cue. sigh

He picked a fight with me in June of '22 told me to give him $2000 and walked out the door.  Whit called the police.  They said he was an angry old man, give him the money and let him go.  He walked north on I25 and finally sat down on the side of the road. A passerby got him loaded into the car and took him to Midwest. Another guy brought him back to town, where he spent the night at the shelter.  We moved into a small apartment August 19, 2022.  I thought we'd settled in pretty good and that Ken could finally have peace .  That he could finally relax; watch the squirrels listen to Gospel music, read his Bible, blah, blah, blah.  We could sit in our rockers side by side; visit; watch rodeo and blah blah blah.  And that is just what it was Blah, blah, blah.  He didn't like that I did this and that and something else so I really began to mold myself to please him. I just wanted peace...--in retrospect--and I sunk lower into silence and despair turning myself into the perfect victim. 

(ME-a victim?  How humiliating. How could I not recognize what was happening? 10 months later I'm still trying to deal with the wreckage of my life. I've been told it would take 2 years+ to heal........