Spinning my wheels or moving forward

    BUT FIRST, YOU HAVE TO ACKOWLEDGE IT TO YOURSELF

Eleven months July17th. I am and will continue to survive although for many months I just couldn't seem to do anything but tread water.  It was like I was in limbo in a large morass of yuck.  

Trauma is just so personal and actually no one does get it.....because they haven't been subjected to this same trauma.  I've been thinking about the desperation and absolute nothingness of that time last August.  Without any thought I would have done whatever was at hand to end the pain....with no thought at all. So thankful there were no options available or that came to mind.  I will do everything I can to never feel those things ever again.  And other thoughts go to answer to prayers.  Me, here in this moment, is an answer I never even thought about.  I was so naïve at 23, newly married and thinking I knew what Epilepsy was all about.  

Ronnie only had petite mal seizures not grand mal ones.  Ken had both.......and the petite mal he had were nothing like Ronnie's,  nothing.  So naïve and being the "figure it out on your own mentality" and newly married the irrational fears morphed into solid phobias.  How stupid!  I'm not sure there was anything I could have done differently.  Ken was out of control when we married in June and the seizures were long and as time passed  they kept going getting scarier.   But me being ME I didn't share any of that with anyone.  I just buried it.  The petite mals started out one of few minutes but slowly over about 12-20 hours got closer and loser until I couldn't tell where 1 started or ended and then the "scream" which I years later identified as the sound of all the air whooshing out of his lungs. The first year I knew him out of control meant this process would happen every 10-15 days.   

Slowly as time passed I began becoming afraid. Afraid that he would go into a grand mal in the middle of the night and inadvertently hurt me. Again why would I want to share this with anybody? I stuffed it down I could almost tell you to the day  my sleeping became non-existent. Feb 1973.At the time I read a lot so I would read a book or two or a half a book whatever until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning; then I could manage to go to sleep. Ken usually left for work between 4:30-5. So it looked like I had slept all night..   We eventually figured out we had to take him to his neurologist in Portland so we planned that first trip in the late winter January of 1973. There the doctor told him he had to quit drinking a gallon to a gallon and a half of coffee a day because of the caffeine and that he would change his medication this resulted in him  getting his epilepsy under control in September of 1973. By this time we had purchased a caterpillar down on the west coast and we had brought it back and began our own brush disposal business for the forest service. My non sleeping just kept marching on Non-sleeping carried on until yes I began having migraines.

By 1979 my migraines were controlling my life. I had so many of them three to six a month. It was debilitating. By1981 after we'd move to Wyoming my migraines were something I dealt with daily I really wasn't ever out of a migraine. I was overdosing on over the counter pain medicine by handfuls of whatever ibuprofen acetaminophen whatever was available none of it really worked. in September of 1981 Ken went to work for Amax coal company called me up at 9:00 and said we have insurance call the doctor and let's get your headaches under control.

The damage to me inside was there and just kept getting stomped down farther. I never acknowledged this to myself---not until 2024!!! 

In early 1982 Dr. Jim Narramore prescribed me with my first dose of Pamelor which I would take on and off until now.....and beyond. This is the third time I've been put back on it. I'm at 150 mg at night; but now it takes an addition TWO medications to manage 6 hours of seep. However the 6 hr number is slowly rising.

All this time my weight has gone up/down; up/down; up/..........

It goes where it goes

 

I never know where my thoughts will go when I start. Often I have to save a draft as Im suddenly on another topic.......so I change directions.  I just need to get these feelings out..Hoefully to lay them to rest.  but the fingers go where the fingers go........

MY Grief Journey was/is like walking thru a mine field.....every second of every day......nor is it easy to learn the forms the blindsiding moments come in.   Any and all forms on no particular time frame! Then sometimes, out of sheer terror you often may freeze for a time or sometimes for years! No 2 grief journeys’ are alike; no one size fits all.

 

Ken really didn’t get that concept but I did and have finally worked through the why’s and how comes’ of the last 4 years,  I just couldn’t stop searching(ok obsessing) for how I could have become a victim of verbal and emotional Abuse.  The idea was absurd!  This was me!  On top of that Ken wasn’t the typical narcissist.  The majority of them have been that way since from childhood.  …………Carmen, Bert and family weren’t that way.  Finally the realization hit that it was the falls and concussions. The things he said were just off the wall so many times.  I just couldn’t believe what came out of his mouth. Things that just couldn’t/wouldn’t happen.  At the end the last 7-8 months he became fixated on one person at a time and repeatedly, over and over raged at me what he would tell them. Over and over each one until finally even Kevin, the one that could do no wrong fell and Ken began telling me what he’d set him straight about.

  

The negativity into my brain was almost nonstop the last 2 months.  My quiet time wasn't peaceful.  I usually was up by 5 a.m. and on a good day he wasn't up until 8:30-9:00.  i NEVER KNEW who would wake through the door Ken or Grandpa Davenport.  What his brain had obsessed over during the night. After a particularly nasty encounter with coaches, Admin and police at KW on April 18th, 2023; I doubled down on the isolation of us 2.  During that time we had lunch with wonderful NM friends: each time I lived in extreme trepidation of an all out blowup-Ken managed to keep it together until the car drove away before he  started the vitriol (cruel and bitter criticism) began.  Both times it lasted until bedtime; repeated attempts to change the subject was met with bitter criticism of me and (if you're not for me you're against me).  ELEVEN MONTHS AGO I couldn't think about this without "hair on fire hysterical crying for hours on end.  Yes, I'm getting perspective 

 

Ken suffered for 22 years with pain; both mental and physical. Finally he is at peace. And finally I am at peace also. Our son was done with his earthly body; his work on earth was done.  Ken’s time here is also over. I’m still here and am recovering myself.  My brain is different. I don’t process like I did; it possibly won’t ever return to what WAS normal for me. I’m learning to just walk away when those feelings come and they certainly are weird.

 

My Gillette visit in June was so healing.  Although I had a bad sinus infection that laid me low Visits with special friends and an awesome one with my mentor Dan helped wash the ugly away and gave me a different perspective about the past 4 years. 

Many of our friends are not aging any better than Ken and myself; and there are many reasons for negative personality problems, all of which are not centered around the brain. Normal aging, whatever that is, changes us.  Everyday life molds us around curves and hills and valleys that we then have to navigate.  My Lord is and has been keeping me safe. "Be still and KNOW I am God  (Psalms 46:10) revolves in my brain on a constant loop. Finally I am acknowledging how badly   

I know my brain has been changed.  Finally I am able to acknowledge the severe abuse I was subjected to.  Which in turn shows me how slowly and insidiously I went from normal to not being able to function which happened at 1:08 a.m. August 17, 2023.  I woke up thinking I could just put him out of his misery, I knew what the meds we had on hand could do......which was followed by "No way! Get your ass out of here"  Now! I was too calm as I readied for my departure from life......(Good grief I had NO concept of HOW.........) Sitting in my rocking chair trying to corral my spiraling thoughts, drinking coffee like it was a typical day, piling up the electronics, leaving the money and also the car keys.  

It is surreal remembering standing at the door at 3:00 a.m. knowing I could be walking to .......I didn't know but nothing nothing could be any worse than the here and now.  I just wanted to get away and slowly leave everything.....everyone.  Looking back I wasn't thinking  My only thought was walk away and keep walking.....Incapable of much thought except keep walking, walking, walking.   Numb, incapable of anything but moving....getting away, keep walking get away....

And that's where the shame, humiliation, embarrassment, disbelief, and finally rage, anger come to play.  I really can see how near suicide and successful suicide happen.  I was in a vacuum of some sort.........it's like there was no before..................and no after.. Totally wierd.

Now it's 11 months later......Yes, indeed God was there, with me....Remembering is pretty scary......I could have/would have done almost anything to be gone.....away........no future thoughts or hindsight.....nothing................a w a y...................

14 days inpatient.  No responsibility. 4 days.in... Shame.  Embarrassment.  Humiliation.  Desperation.  6 days in...What now?  Where now? Why?  8 days in...NOW you think of your daughter.  NOW you have a thought for your grandkids?  Shame.     Embarrassment     humiliation.... You and well and truly broken..........12 days in   a chance to heal properly....finally...maybe t;ll be ok but it's not going to be all right  hair on fire every day?? can't possibly...

And finally..........Yes I agree to go to Whiney and Travis' to live and recover

at 74 I'm homeless, literally have just the clothes on my back, no money, no transportation, no desire for anything but the peace and quiet of no drama........14 days........

The mainspring of my life was totally shattered.....Sometimes it wound fat and othere tmes the windig was slow.  But for 74 years it had gotten tighter and tighter util there was no give let.

KABOOM!!

Sept 1, 2023

 This introspection is for me to hopefully finally get this stuff out of MY brain.  I've  spent 10 months  trying to come to terms with the last 4 years of mental abuse and PTSDC which ultimately culminated with Ken's death in April.  His death certificate lists: Severe post-ictal Encephalopathy status Epilepticus  and several other direct causes of death.

I've done my best the last 3 years to ignore June 10.

  Actually we both did.  We both pretended it just didn't happen. Our calendar went from June 1 to July 2.  We did acknowledge July 4th. Living in NM was horrid during Covid and for 2.5+ YEARS after!!!  In retrospect everything from Jan 31 of 2020 our life slowly disintegrated into discontent and strife. Ken fell in 2013 getting a concussion that took 8+ months to heal from. Dr Santiago said he just couldn't fall again and I didn't say Doc what COULD happen?  4 words that maybe would have made a difference but...probably not. That was in 2013 and the falling just kept happening (2014, 2015, 2020)….I have pictures of black eyes and marks on his forehead...….the frontal lob where the personality is...…and he slowly changed from a compassionate, loving, caring man into a Narcissistic Asshole to put it bluntly.  His brain was changing and neither of us knew what was happening. Our loved ones tried to help but that just made him more enraged and angry.  By August of 2023 he hated everyone...….even me, the gas pump at Sam's Club and last even Son-in-law Kevin. 

But what about the lost 10 years?

Why did I stop blogging?  At the time I just couldn't bring myself to blog as I had nothing to say, nothing to say at all.  Looking back I remember that last post in 2014 thinking I'm done explaining myself, Ken, anything & everything.  I was just done. 

 

And in the fall of 2014 Ken started getting ill and his pain really got out of control.  He ended up in the hospital in Las Cruces during Thanksgiving.  Again, we went the round of specialists and ultimately in 2015 they found he had prostate cancer.  We moved to Anthony N. M and we drove into El Paso every day for 44 days. This ended on June 1, 2015 causing us to miss Granddaughter Kim's marriage to Phil.  

Ken asked Whit if the boys could come to visit and she & Trav said yes.  We met in Colorado Springs and brought them to NM for 21 days.  KaCe age 10, Ethan age 8 and Aedan age 4.  It was a success and began the "go to NM in the summer" vacation which ended in 2021.  That's it for now!