As seen on TV..........sigh

I have religiously avoided "as seen on tv" gimmicks throughout the years.  It is ironic that a word was even coined for the gimmick: The Infomercial.  The word in itself sounds rather educational and above all else appears harmless. The infomercial sells miracle everything.  Miracle glue, miracle exerciser, miracle slanket (look it up yourself), miracle sewer fixer, slap your chop, puppy potty patches, ovens, sharks, shakers  and of course the obnoxious Oxyclean dude.  He makes me think about homicide - I'm not sure that guy's mother can even love that voice.  Blck!  But, not only have they coined a descriptive word they have their own website.  It lists every product (100's) and stores like Walgreens have an entire section devoted to it.

I admit I have looked and studied and read but have never stooped so low as to actually buy anything until last week.  I must have been in an end of year doldrums or something.  But I had finally had it with my bra strap falling down off my shoulders every 13 seconds.  I have tried sitting up straight; pulling the strap tight; leaving the strap low.  Years ago I sewed cute little bias tape snaps and attempted to corral the darn straps.  Nothing has worked.  So I bought the "Strap Perfect".  This will solve my problem.  This was mistake number 1.

I opened the box and hunted for the directions.  None.  Nowhere. Zip.  I thought this surely can't be that hard.  There were 3 pairs of 3 colors of little oblong plastic things. I thought ok - 3 pairs; this is good; and began to try and fit them together. After a few minutes I realized this wasn't cutting it so I once again searched the box for visual directions.  On the back in a little picture was an example. Oh! You only need one plastic clip and I studied how to attach it to my bra.  I attached the clip then wondered how on earth I was going to get it on.  This was mistake number 2.  I mistakenly thought a 61 years old woman wouldn't need any help getting a bra on OR off. (Well a 2 person "off" in the past wasn't a problem either. sigh)  Sorry. 

I held TB (the bra) up by the straps and studied it.  OK.  Each arm in and just hook it in the back.  WRONG!  Ok.  Hook it up and then slide it over your head.  After all you've seen women put a bra on this way.  - Never mind that you've always thought these women were idiots.  I was willing to overlook my earlier unjust "judgementitis".  I hooked it up; held it up to admire my supreme brilliantness; mapped a plan of attack and slid my head through the appropriate opening. 

OMG!!!  Did I put my head through the wrong opening???!! 

O Spit!! What AM I gonna do? 

1st: CALM DOWN! Breathe! Now, reach up and pull it down.  Ouch!  Damn!  Easy, easy ok just a little more.  There it's on.  NO!  OMG!! 

Mistake number 2.  I am alone with help no where around. 

OK REALLY.

1st: You've GOT to CALM DOWN! Now Breathe! says my sensible side. Calm down and breathe.  What was wrong, one might ask?  

My shoulder blades are touching one another in the back; the top of my shoulder bones are pulled up to my ears so tight I can't hear a thing except panicked breathing.  In the front my arms are pulled up so far that my hands are left dangling limply near my armpits. I am trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey ready for the oven. AND I CAN'T MOVE!!! 

O Spit!  O Spit!!   

1st:  It is ESSENTIAL that YOU CALM DOWN! Breathe.  Now go get the scissors and cut your way out of this thing.   O SPIT!!!  My arms are up so high I can't reach the door hinge.  O SPIT!!   I'm locked in.

1st: You have GOT to Calm Down!!  You calm down I scream to myself looking in the mirror at this horrible apparition!!  At that I realize I'm about ready for the looney farm; so I calm down and think.  Moving slowly and deliberately I inch the contraption up and FINALLY off.

I then realize the real problem was the straps.  I extended them out fully; hooked the sapsucker up; slid my head in and Waaalaa! no slipping down straps.  I think I might even like them.  Life is good and a side benefit is my neck isn't hurting as much since I'm sitting up better.

However today I happened to see the Infomercial (This was mistake number 3)..........it shows how you put your bra on then reach over your head and snap the little thing on.  It looked sooo easy.  And of course the "sweet young thang" was still young and limber and COULD reach over her head.

1st: Remain calmed down................ sigh   Now repeat after me:

I will NOT buy As Seen On TV.....I will NOT buy As Seen On TV.....